Starting out Vulnerable…

Packing. Moving. Oh yeah, unpacking. Three things everyone adores and despises about equally the same. The beginning of something new is one of the most thrilling experiences of life, and one should never be robbed of it. It was given to us as a gift as well as a lesson. It is an intimate, vulnerable, and thrilling experience, but it obviously can come with a whole lot of crappy moments that push forth insecurities… so here is where I begin.

Before I get too entangled in too many deep discussions, let’s start out with our new home situation. We are currently sharing our “home” with 200 college age guys. Yup. That is correct. Dorm life. Jordan and I met at Cedarville University where we currently just got relocated to. He has been given the Resident Director Position over the dorm called “Brock.” Did I mention that the RD who lived here before had to deal with a mouse infestation because when you’re in college what better way to get rid of your old pizza boxes than to put them in your Styrofoam ceiling?! Oh man. Here we go.

Jordan and I have officially been married for 5 years! I can finally feel like we are out of the baby stages of marriage (even though in the long perspective I know we still are). With every year or marriage I hopefully have gained another ounce of wisdom and even more humility… and for that I can say I am proud of our marriage and cherish it a whole heck of a lot.

When you first get married, there is no better “awakening” to your own mess than learning to live with another person for the first time. I still remember my first year of college with my roommate. Bless. Her. Heart. She was probably the only person who could put up with my hyper active enthusiastic personality for life and not be offended that she couldn’t see the floor at times because of how many outfits had been thrown over my shoulder without a care in the world. Let’s just say through laughter with a friend you are able to look at “your mess”, and I can still proudly say this girl will forever be one of my dearest friends.

I think deep down that every married couple wants to look back at the most stressful situations in their life and hope that they have treated each other with love and respect. Yet, we all know that the moments we grow are usually from looking at our ugly and seeing how we can improve…

I love when Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh to keep him humble. The verse I am referring to is 2 Corinthians 12:7, ”  So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.”

Well, here is where I become vulnerable. I love this new phase of life Jordan and I just stepped into. I am a new mom who has a 10 month old little girl named Kinslee. Before we even had her, we made sure all debt was paid off and had a budget set in stone ready for me to take the year off… we were also encouraged by the principal of the school to enjoy this time and have me stay home for the year. Which we felt was a sign from God that with the budget in check we could do this. Barely.

Crap hit the fan 3 days after Kinslee was born. All summer long we were dealing with continuous financial hits that seemed to never end. It was the first year as a teacher that we both did not get paid during the summer. However, as a house owner, many of you know that all it takes is one summer for your house to “crumble” and you to owe thousands of dollars. Everything just hit us at once. Just to be plain and simple.. money issues.

Yet, I wonder how many times God uses “money issues” to reveal how stinking powerful and loving our God truly is. He uses our tears, exhausted prayers, and even stress to reveal how beyond powerful our Creator is. Yet, all we have to do is ask with faith (which we know is extremely difficult at times). All in all it lead to our new home which is now a University with a yellow jacket as their mascot. Yup. A mean bumble bee.

So, let’s get real. Pregnancy is hard enough on its own. As women we already think, stress, and compare too much. When we are pregnant that just gets magnified. FROM THE START, we are bent over sick for not a day or two… but MONTHS. Every single day. Not to mention your hormones are whack (women already deal with enough hormones we don’t need them to be any worse). Do not even get me started with what our bodies go through.. and then society tells us we need to be back to the shape and size we were right after we pop out this baby. If we get back to our normal weight in a month’s time we must be “super fit” moms.

Hear me out. My whole life I did every sport and was a pretty good athlete. I decided to use my passion for sports, fitness, and students and became a physical education teacher. I gained 50 pounds and I still am 5 pounds away from my starting weight. My baby is almost 11 months. THAT IS ALMOST 2 YEARS of not feeling back to my normal self. That is hard.

This move from our teaching world in Florida to our new College life in the middle of farm town Ohio is so exciting (I know that might sound a little crazy coming from the fact we are moving from FL). However, I am struggling. Struggling with how to wait on God and trust that I will know how to fit into this new culture even with having to restart. All over again.

After doing my devotions, I realized how much of a pressure there is in a new work environment. Even with not being the one with the job, I carry baggage wanting to “do what the others are doing.” Yet, that is not what God calls us to do. He calls us to wait on Him. Let things happen naturally. Trust and Pray. Pray that He will bring the right people at the right time and continue to love everyone who is placed before me. Pray that I am CONTENT in being a mom and letting my husband have the community, but to not be afraid to get out of my mom box and have a night maybe every other week (or every week) for myself. That is what God calls of us! Even MOMS!

Too many women give up their entire selves (because that is all they know from the start). We are the ones who carry the child and give up our bodies and basically have more of the pressure that the baby needs more of “mom”. Yet, we become depressed and honestly take it out on our husbands because we secretly are jealous of their ability to not stress.

To conclude, everyday may not be the best, but I am going to have a plan. A plan to take care of myself and desire to seek after what God wants from me in this stage of life. I know that I have a priority to love Kinslee, but I do know that we are still called to dream and see how God works.