There are always a few phrases that stick with us throughout life and are a constant reminder of what God intends with us. Mine is “victory is in community”. Those who know me know that I truly LOVE people. Yet, with 28 years of life I have noticed a habit of trying to rid myself of who I am because of seeing how we can fail and hurt each other through these relationships.
My family, friends, and God especially know what a battle the word “community” means to me (as I am sure many other women do). My brother once said after I moved to Washington D.C and got married that if He knew anyone that could be ripped of everything and start over it was me. Honestly, it was not till writing this that I remembered that moment.
These past 5 years of being married have constantly been full of change. A wise friend of mine who is an athletic trainer (truly a boss at what she does) told me that our bodies do best when we are at a state of stability; a complete life transformation rather than changing our habits and running back to our old ways after one week of dieting. She sees her clients going up and down in weight striving for perfection when we really should be living a calm and controlled lifestyle.
We, being human, know this is hard. My husband always tells me the hardest part of his job (as a previous teacher mind you) was after break. He could easily get into a state of depression from going from one extreme to the other. Yet, I look at my own life and experience the same thing with having community in my own life.
For those of you who do not know me I am a pretty outgoing person. I truly love to love and cherish people and their stories. I also value laughter, lots and lots of laughter. I love the verse in Proverbs 17 that states “a cheerful heart is good medicine but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
However, I have tried to rid myself of my outgoing personality for many reasons and truly desire to be like my husband who is consistent, kind, and content. Yet, I end up overcompensating and find myself thinking I am somehow broken in the way I was created, and I should change who I am at the core.
If you were born with one other sibling growing up like me, you may understand the fact that my brother and I took pride in our differences. We were very opposite, but somehow (probably being raised by the same parents) somewhat alike. Our parents both valued our differences equally (something I hope to do to my own kids) but my brother and I knew clearly what each others strengths and weaknesses were… and obviously as children we loved to put each other in their “place”.
Branden (my brother) is a lot like my husband when I look at their relationship with God. Branden always loved to read and you can tell his knowledge about the Bible is pretty amazing. I on the other hand (more of the free spirit), take things a lot slower. I read through one chapter of the bible multiple times making sure I have not missed anything. However, praying came more naturally. Now, I have tended to overcompensate and praying has become hard. Truly, because I have a picture in my mind of what the “best” christian looks like.. and it rarely ever is what I am. I now am finding myself listening or reading the bible and seem to have a hard time knowing what to say when I bow my head to pray. Life is truly about balance.
The reasons why I chose the phrase “victory is in community” is for multiple reasons. I am a mom of 1 and through a confusing but straight path I have been a stay at home mom for almost a year and a half. When I am honest with myself this is STILL such a new state of life. As a new mother, the world wants me to believe that I am a hermit in my house who will rarely find time to be or do what truly gives me life.. being a dreamer, go getter, and honestly just a plain enthusiast. I find joy in people and adventures, and if you are a stay at home mom like me you know those two things are scarce especially after moving with a child to a completely new place.
My husband and I have moved 3 times in five years. Did I mention that our new home is a college dorm with 200 college guys? He is a resident director of a dorm called Brock at Cedarville University (actually where we met and got engaged). However, let me remind you what I said originally. I have taken my outgoing personality and tried to tell God that this outgoing personality is just not for me. Oh gosh, any of you who made it this far in this blog probably see where this is going and know that I am probably going to be like Jonah and end up being swallowed by a fish, spit out, and sent back on the path God has so intentionally set out for me.
So that is where I am at. I truly feel like I have been sitting in the fish’s mouth juggling the decisions I have made, but ready to get back on track with the plan God had originally intended for me. I know being emotional and outgoing might be a lot more difficult than sitting in my house alone pretending like I am content doing life without community. Yet, can you imagine how I am feeling as God has placed us here on a college campus? He must have laughed and said to himself, “Kara, I have created you to be fun spirited FOR THIS. Why do you hate what I love??
My husband and I tend to work really well together when we have a whole day for ourselves. I tend to be the one who LOVES coming up with ideas and giving us options for all the things we could do. I never needed to decide what we did but loved giving him options. The more I thought about it the more I believed i was being selfish for acting this way. I always admired how thrilled he got and was truly okay with anything we did. After a few months, I started to hide any ideas I may have had and let him lead. I never realized I started slacking in this area, I just thought I was innocently ridding myself of my selfish ways. Before we knew it, my husband said something I will never forget. He said “I feel like the one thing we use to excel at was you getting excited about life and me enjoying the process with you.” That really hit me. My husband married me for my outgoing, bubbly, adventure seeking personality that I have. God intended us to be together for so many reasons and this is one of them. My husband Jordan sees the best of him come out with me…
So why am I trying so hard to hide these things about me? Why do I constantly try to be in this box of a Christian my personality so desperately never wanted to be in?
Everyone in their life sometime had felt “lost”. Unsure of themselves and trying to rid themselves of their unhealthy ways. However, when we see something we dislike about ourselves we put it under a microscope and often times try to live up to a perfect persona we have created in our own minds. Which we all know how this will end up…. Depressed and unsure of who we are. We try to become more of who we want to be rather than who God created us to be. This does not make us perfect, but we can accept the fact that God can use our weakness to give light to His name!!
So why fight it?!? Our weakness show HIS GLORY… and that is so much more powerful and stress relieving.. finding purpose and trust In Him alone.
My husband and I recently went and used our new mountain bikes for the first time. Let’s just say mountain biking ain’t no joke. To give you a little insight, there are two gears. One to your right to make pedaling easier or more difficult and one on your left to help you feel less or more traction on your wheels.
Jordan and I had never done this before. You could see my husband turn back into a 15 year old boy again ready to hit the track without any worry in the world. I on the other hand probably thought I was going to be better than I ever was. Any large Hill we came up on I would crank my gears as hard as I possibly could. Which, those of you who know mountain biking….. That is not what you do at all. Your chain gets off track and things can get pretty messy if you’re not careful. It took me an hour and a half of maneuvering before I felt like I finally got the hang of it. The goal was to stay on one steady gear (4 for me) and only crank one gear up when it got more difficult and one gear down as it got easier. To stay at a constant. Expect what is coming and take it only one notch different.
As my athletic trainer friend said, we are called to live out steady lives (with Christ)! Not pushing the gears one extreme or the other, but rather one notch different depending on what the world throws our way.
So I now am learning not to overcompensate in anything with who I am. I am taking time to pin down the positive qualities and strengths God so intentionally created (maybe even the ones I don’t like), and ask myself, “Am I trying to become something else outside of what God intended for me?”
It is my goal to be confident but humble in my flaws and consistently pray for God’s guidance on directing my “gears”. Preparing me for what is ahead and being calm at the wheel. I should know when He says slow down or speed up… But for now I am trying to grasp what gear four is and thankfully God enjoys my yearning for His direction. Letting go of my control and being content with who I am and being thankful he chose to create me this way.
Finding Our Way 